Tonight I needed a slap in the face to bring me back to reality, that the world doesn’t revolve around me.  I jammed my finger in basketball tonight, and as usual, I over-exaggerated again like I usually do in those situations (I wish I wouldn’t do that – sorry guys).  As I was driving home, I was praying & thought/prayed, “I think I deserved that.”

And then I got a huge slap in the face when I got home…

1. Linda & Lisa came over to watch “Up” – Linda, Lisa, David, and WeiLi all prayed for me before Linda & Lisa left.
2. I read a new journal post from the Tuma’s (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teamtuma/journal – SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2009 10:28 PM, PST) and was humbled – life is such a precious thing, and there’s such a fine line between life & death.  How can I be complaining about something so little?

Sure, it wasn’t a literal slap in the face, but I felt like I needed that to happen and had it coming.

On a related note, keep fellowship with Daddy this week everyone, no matter what the circumstances (man, cuts deep for me) – know that the Father wants to have a relationship of joy & love with you.

“Somewhere in the Middle”
Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

In my journal entry tonight, I started out by writing,

“It’s been a long time since I’ve put much thought into my life/faith.  Right now, it’s coming at the end of a crazy time in my life.  Sometimes I wonder… is all the effort I am putting in at work really worth it?”

At the end of my journal entry, I wrote,

“I need to be more long-suffering, patient, trusting… trust -- that seems to be the defining word lately, something I know I’ll take a lifetime to develop & be tested in.  But I am an adpoted son -- I can always trust my Father to be there for me & provide all things.  He sees me as His Son Jesus -- I am justified.  I am my Father’s son, chosen by Him to receive the unbounded gift of grace.”

Lately, I’ve been reading through Ephesians as we have been going through it on Sundays at church.  Also, I recently started journaling again, pen-and-paper style in one of my Moleskine journals that I’ve received for my birthday from my awesome bro & former roommate, Andrew.

However lately I’ve also found myself spending hours upon hours at work, and I haven’t been finding too much purpose in it all.  Sure, there are deadlines, but some feeling/desire behind the deadlines is driving me.  I’m not too sure what it is.  What would cause me, drive me, to stay up until 5am in the morning doing work & work 80+ hours in one week?

With all of that time put into work, I haven’t had much time for anything else.  China missions prep outside of our meetings, young adult ministry, relationships with friends, spending time with co-workers, making time to talk with family, thoughts about life and the future, hopes, dreams… other parts of life have taken a backseat lately.  The only solid thing in my life (along with always having tons of work to be done) is really the Word and the time I spend with Dad.  As I look back over the past couple of crazy weeks, really, the best times of joy & peace have been when I have connected with the Father through Scripture or prayer or just being in silence while admiring the clouds, the sun, the mountains… the Lord’s beautiful creation.  Really, time with God has been a sanctuary away from the day-to-day dealings with life.  How do people do life without knowing God?

I will say though, I do feel “caught in the middle” right now in life.  I feel like I’m in a tug-of-war where I am the rope -- on the one end God is tugging on the strings of my heart, and on the other end work-life-sleep-hunger-finances-responsibilities-housing-family-friends-missions-health-temptation-struggles-etc are pulling at my soul.  I know that’s not really what the song is about, but that tug-of-war feeling does leave me a bit lost & confused -- caught between wanting to trust the Lord with ever more of my life & all while still trying to rule my own destiny with my own hopes, dreams, aspirations, and strength.  Yet, again I say, “I am my Father’s son, chosen by Him to receive the unbounded gift of grace.”

I love Casting Crowns, how they are able to capture the not-so-easy-reality side of the Christian life while still keeping the power, presence, and promises of God in frame.  That’s really who I am -- recognizing the reality of where my life was headed before Christ & realizing my real adoption as a child of God through Christ.

But, I remembered a good quote tonight that I also wrote in my journal -- the main question is not, “Who am I?” but rather, “Whose am I?”

I am my Father’s son.